I’ll never forget that day in December John came to my office. His usually composed face had tears welling up in his eyes. He sat down in his usual spot, but he rarely looked up during the first twenty minutes of his session. Between intermittent gasps for air and futile attempts to hold back tears, he managed to get out that it was a really hard time of the year for him. John’s father had gotten ill not long before Thanksgiving two years ago. What was supposed to be just another visit to the doctor’s office for stomach pain turned out to be advanced, untreatable cancer. John’s dad deteriorated through the holiday season before passing away in January. The loss of John’s father was felt deeply by the whole family. His wife and two children were just as heartbroken as he was.
John, like so many of us, has a bittersweet experience of the holidays. They are not just a time to be thankful and celebrate. The holidays are also a reminder of what’s missing. It is a pain that can hit like a ton of bricks without warning. Years can go by without a tear, and suddenly you are holding a picture frame bawling like a baby. Grief has a paradoxical way of making us feel both alone and connected. It is a path we experience individually and collectively. We are utterly alone. We are together. I am fine. I am lost without you. These thoughts and many others wash over us as we gather around holiday trees, kitchen tables, menorahs, and other seasonal spots.
Grief
Merriam-Webster defines grief as deep and poignant distress caused by, or as if by, bereavement. Bereavement is defined as the state or fact of being bereaved or deprived of something or someone. In simple terms, we might say grief is a heart-breaking physical, mental, and emotional state experienced after the loss of something or someone loved. It is a painful experience of longing for something or someone you can never have again. It is a marker in time that – at least in part – will be present every major life event moving forward. Grief is experienced by all ages and genders. It longs to be felt, expressed, validated, and attuned to.
For many who have experienced grief, the reactions and responses of others have led to a sense of being cared for and comfort. However, despite their best intentions, people have invalidated, shamed, guilted, and outright dismissed the grief process of others. “At least you have your health.” “Didn’t you two drift apart over time?” “It was just part of God’s plan.” “You should be thankful for the time you did have rather than thinking about the time you’ve lost.” These statements, and so many more, not only stifle the grief journey, but they create the added experience of isolation.
What to Do
Below are a few simple considerations to get you started. If you are struggling with grief, or if the holidays bring up that familiar feeling of loss, these suggestions are a good place to start.
Acknowledge it: If you are struggling with holiday grief, the first thing you can do is take a moment to acknowledge it. “I’ve experienced a big loss in my life.” “It really sucks that I am going through this.” “I miss _____ more than anything.” You can start with affirming messages like these. If someone you know has lost a loved one, you can also provide them affirming messages. “I’m really sorry for your loss.” “I can only imagine what you are going through.” “You two were really close. It really sucks that this happened.”
Disregard the shoulds: Many people find themselves doing the opposite of affirming their experience. They make statements about what they should and should not be doing. “I should be strong.” “I should not cry about it.” “I should ignore my own grief and be there for others.” Rather than focusing on what you should or should not be doing, compassionately allow yourself to experience whatever it is you are going through. The same applies for others. Though we might be trying to help others, I’ve never heard someone say they appreciated someone telling them they should get over it or they should let go and move on.
Appreciate your grief: This might not be the most popular idea, but it is one worth mentioning. Your grief is not the enemy. Rather, it is a reflection of the love you had, have, and will continue to experience for your loved one. Love and grief are two sides of the same coin, and one is not possible without the other. I know it hurts. I know at times feels unbearable. But remember, the depth of your grief is a mirror image of the depth of your love.
Develop a plan: Take the time to determine how to manage your grief in a healthy way. For some, this might mean challenging yourself to keep your therapy appointment when you want to avoid talking about your loss. For others, this might mean journaling at the end of a tough day in order to let out some of the strong feelings. Many of us often let go of the fundamentals during these tough times. It might be especially important to ensure we are still getting to the gym, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and engaging in healthy recreational activities. As a parent, it might mean exploring with your child their grief. For example, you might comment on the grief theme your child enacts each time they play with their toys (e.g., “Oh no. Sally Bear looks like she is having such a hard time now that Daddy Bear is in heaven. I wonder what Sally Bear needs the most right now.”). As you play, you might be amazed at how insightful Sally Bear is on what she wants and needs at this time. Regardless of what your plan is, it is important to consider having one in place. It is easier to go to the plan and identify what to do than to problem-solve in full-on holiday grief mode.
Be inclusive: Some families have reported it is incredibly healing to include their loved ones in holiday traditions. Feel free to be creative about how you do this and include others if that would be beneficial or appropriate. Some families have acknowledged their loved one in the form of a family prayer before dinner. Other families have written letters to their loved ones and tossed them into the fire at their annual weenie roast. One family used to do acts of kindness in the name of their loved one. They’ve been known to pay the bill for a family in a nearby booth and to write a Happy Holidays note to the receiving family that is signed with their loved one’s name. Another family blows up biodegradable balloons, writes messages on them to the loved one, and ceremoniously releases them together on Christmas morning after presents.
There is no one way to grieve. Each of us have our own unique and collective needs as we experience our path of grief. Remember, our grief is not something to be overcome. It is something to be felt, remembered, and honored. It is the reminder, the scar on our heart, that lets us know how deeply we truly loved someone. May this holiday season bring you and your family an opportunity to love what you have AND grieve what you’ve lost.
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